Jumping off point

Christmas eve and I thought it would be a good opportunity to step back from the celebration and gift giving, both of which I love. Sometimes we get so caught up in the party we forget why we are partying, so I thought I'd share one of my favorite passages about Jesus.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning.

Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.

There came a man who was sent from God; his name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all men might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light. The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world.

He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God — children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God.

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

John testifies concerning him. He cries out, saying, "This was he of whom I said, 'He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.' "From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God, but God the One and Only,who is at the Father's side, has made him known.

3 days a week for 5 years I had played in a lunch game of ultimate frisbee. Team sport. Guys I've showered next to for years, given rides to, joked with, yelled at, shared water with on a hot day, and all the things that you'd think would make for close friendship. Then one day my knee got injured and I was unable to run, for months I was unable to run. I couldn't play. Then I healed, and I returned. Then I quit. I quit because I realized I didn't care at all about my "friends", only to run. They didn't care about me either, nobody missed my absence or heralded my return. As for running, well there are other things I enjoy more.

I drive a convertible Mazda Miata. It's not fancy, it's 15 years old with plenty of miles, it was an inexpensive car and doesn't have a lot of luxuries. No electric windows or cupholders. But it is a simple source of joy beyond what I would have expected. I get to feel the speed of the road, being so low. I feel every rock and bump through the stiff suspension. The wind is in my hair and the sun in my eyes because the top is always down. I feel connected. Connected to the honeysuckle near the creek I smell as I drive past. Connected to the temperature of the air as beads of sweat roll off my forehead, or as the cold stings my hands through my gloved fingers. Connected to the panhandlers on the corner who know I can hear them, because they can hear me, can reach out and touch me if they wanted to. I always thought motorcycles were crazy because they were so dangerous and people chose to ride them anyway. But I think in a convertible I can understand why people put themselves in danger, freedom is priceless. I found a way to have a little piece of freedom every time I drive, and it's just wonderful.

I lunge up, my fingertips catch the lip of the rock, I cling tightly, tendons in my arm in unified rigidity, every neuron in my mind focuses on the texture beneath my fingertips. I let out a primal grunt, almost a scream. I lift my left foot to reposition it higher, straining to keep my right foot on the rock. My right foot pops off and my legs swing out like a pendulum. I look down at my feet as they start to swing, and I see the water 15 feet below, and for a split instant realize the very real possibility I will fall into that water now. I am not afraid of the fall, it will hurt, but it will not hurt much. It would be so easy to let go, I have gotten far, I have done well, there is no shame in falling. But in this moment where I couldn't tell you my name, where there is not a stray thought beyond the instant of the climb all I know is that I do not want to fall, that I cannot fall, that my life up to this point has culminated in a single purpose at a single time, that time is now and that purpose is not falling, in this moment I am at perfect peace and all is right with the world. I swing my feet back in, catch a small pocket the size of my toe. I find a small edge of flat rock just wider than a #2 pencil, and I put my other foot on it. Then I continue climbing, every move as if it were the last move my body would make before I die. Continually at the limit of possibility with no assurance of success. Then I stand at the top, triumphant, relieved, proud, and a little saddended. Saddened because the climb is over.

And like a junkie I am already thinking about my next fix.

I understand how men can abandon their children. I didn't before I had children of my own. It just seemed so dreadful. Now I actually wonder why it doesn't happen more often.

First, children are not always loving and kind. Kids do a lot of crying, a lot of yelling, a lot of whining, a lot of disobeying, and they direct most of it at their parents, especially the dad. And those are the good kids. And they can be hurtful, my son has been known to say in a very serious voice, "I don't like you daddy", and turn and walk away. And he's 3. What will he do when he's 10, or 16? But the mental abuse is the least of it. Guys with kids lose most of their friends. There are a lot of theories as to why this happens, but it does happen. You just look up and suddenly you realize that you used to be a popular guy but the one week the wife took the kids to see the in-laws and left you alone to party like it is 1999 that you have no idea who to party with. But the worst is that after having kids your hopes and dreams you hadn't accomplished are pretty crushed. That business you were planning to start up, no time, no money. That tour around the world, can't do it, gotta support the kids. Always dreamed of driving a porsche, keep dreaming. People will try to counter that you can still have a life and have a kid, but every dad sacrifices a lot, maybe not everything, but a lot. And after sacrificing so much of yourself for so long it's easy to wake up one day and have nothing left to sacrifice and want something for yourself.

As I walked in the door tired from a long day at work,

my daughter Emlyn heard the garage door raise. It is a quiet garage door, you have to be listening to hear it, especially on a hot day when the air conditioner is running, and it was an especially hot day. Which means she was listening for me to come home. As the door rises and I begin to pull the nose of my car over the void where the door used to be I see her. She is a blur with speed. Wherever she was she has now traveled from there, opened two doors it takes to enter the garage from the house, and gathered a full breath of air. She uses this air to yell, "daddy is home, daddy is home, daddy, daddy, daddy". I pull my car the rest of the way up, stop, and turn the car off. As I begin to open the door to the car she sees it is safe and runs towards the car. By the time I am standing she has wrapped herself in a hug around my leg. I reach down and pick her up and she wraps her arms and legs around my chest and hugs me even tighter. I carry her into the house, where my son, Denali, quickly notices I'm home and runs over and wordlessly hugs my leg and begins to laugh. I free up an arm and pick him up with my daughter. My wife, Sarah, also notices my arrival and comes to greet me. Seeing my arms are full she leans over and gives me a peck on the cheek and says, "nice to see you dear."

I am no longer tired.