Jumping off point

Our language to deal with families needs serious overhaul. I was reminded of it this weekend while camping with people from church. It turns out people from church have as complicated family structures as I do.

As an example take my Dad Jim Schopp. My Dad married my mom when I was too young to remember, adopted me, and raised me my whole life. I don't remember a time when he wasn't my dad and I think of him just like anybody thinks of the father they grew up with. But when I introduce him to people they sometimes say something like, "Oh, you two look a lot alike" or some other comment that would tie into genetics. My Dad and I don't share genes. Usually I just chuckle to myself because it's not worth trying to convey the whole story. I've never met my genetic father. I have his name somewhere if I ever wanted to see him, and my Dad has offered to find him and take me out to meet him if I ever want to. But the guy could have found me anytime early in my life and never chose to, and I don't really have anything to tell him or ask him other than a family medical history.

So first word we need is step-father who is like a father, but conveys the lack of shared genes. I'm going to throw "step-up father" out there for consideration.

Then we need one for a father whose role in raising the child ended at conception. I'm going to throw out "DNA Dad".

As a result of course my Sister is technically my half sister. But that doesn't really convey it very well either. My "step-up father" (just trying out the term) and I have been around with my mom since before my sister was born. So we are close like most brother and sisters are. I'm going for "sister and a half" here to convey we are fully brother and sister and also half brother and sister.

My grandfather was married several times, so at various points in my life his wives were my grandmas. His first wife, birth mother to my mother, I just call grandma. I figure his divorce doesn't change her status since the relationship to my mother and to me was unchanged. I can't figure out a way to integrate the divorce & remarriage in without downplaying her role.

I recently (a couple years back) flew to Washington state to the funeral of one of my Grandfather's wives I was close to as a child. They had divorced several years before so many of her friends at the funeral hadn't known my grandpa. It got really complicated whenever anybody asked me how I knew her. "Ex Grandma-in-law" doesn't quite cut it. I'm going for "Grandma-in-love", which conveys a bit more of the sentiment.

Then in January I visited my Grandpa's last wife in Alaska. He married her when I was old enough to understand everything going on. I always thought she was a nice person, and still do. I enjoy hanging out and talking with her and she is an amazing cook. She was married to my grandpa when he died. "Step grandma" probably actually works here as long as we can accept step mothers as good instead of as portrayed in Cinderlla.

And of course there are other family examples that need words. Like a father who doesn't stay with the mom (sometimes not of his choosing) but stays involved with the kid(s). Do we stick with plain "dad" or is there something better like "in the picture dad"?

Or a step-parent who comes on late in a kids life, like when the are 16, 18, 35. Mom's new husband doesn't quite cut it. I think "father in law" isn't bad as the relationship is often similar, but it could be confusing overloading that word which already has a pretty specific meaning. The commonly used m*****f***** is probably not the best way to family harmony either. Maybe "In-law father" to distinguish that the marriage relationship is at the parent.

In any case, how we handle these things now just isn't working. We are trying to fit everybody into a simple binomial family tree and it just doesn't even pretend to work anymore.