Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Giving blogging another go
I'm going to give blogging another go. It's been over a year since I've posted. Part of the reason is after it has been awhile I felt I needed to post something really good when I started again. Well, here is something not really good, more of a pointless ramble. Maybe if I just lower my standards I'll stick with it. To what end I'm not sure, but maybe I'll find that path. So without further ado.
One day, today, I woke up (or rather didn't go to sleep) and found out two things. I don't have many friends, and most of those few friends are rock climbers. Nothing wrong with rock climbers. But I would have thought spending so much time at work that I would have made some good friends there. Lot of people at work, you'd think I'd find a few fast and true friends just through statistics. But really I just have a lot of work acquaintances and some casual friends. I play ultimate frisbee, have for 5 years or so, several times a week. Many of the people I play with probably don't know my last name. Or maybe friends via my daughter, you know my daughters friends parents become my friends. I really thought I'd make some close friends at church. I went to two churches, each for 3 years (to be clear I'm still going to the second one). People at church share a common faith, are nice, etc. They even know my last name. But they don't really know me, and at the first church when I stopped going nobody noticed. And as much as I like the second church if I stopped going not many would notice, and those wouldn't think too much of it.
So I'll attempt to answer the second question, or rather statement, first. It would be easy to say most of my friends are climbers because I spend a lot of time climbing. Time I am sure is a prereq, one I have less of now that I have kids, but judging by my other activities that I do still spend time on time alone is not a sufficient condition in and of itself.
Cathy, one of my climbing friends, was reminiscing with me and I said it was strange we had become good friends, because outside of climbing we had nothing in common. She said it had to be because we always had such a good time, we meet up in these beautiful places and have these grand adventures. There is probably something to that. But I've gone camping and backpacking with people from my church and it's not enough to break past the acquaintances barrier into the friendship zone. I think the real thing is that rock climbers tend to drop all superficial things. They tend to not be very superficial to begin with and drop what little of that they have when they are out.
Which bring me to why I don't have many friends. You see, I used to have friends. In elementary school, both high schools, & college. I am realizing now that those friends were close because we were open, we put it all out there, didn't hide anything. We didn't make small talk or avoid subjects. But more importantly we were like that before we were friends. This distinction is important. Ignore the rest of the ramble but remember this. We became friends after we were open with eachother, not before.
So it turns out I have changed. I have become superficial. That's about to end.
One day, today, I woke up (or rather didn't go to sleep) and found out two things. I don't have many friends, and most of those few friends are rock climbers. Nothing wrong with rock climbers. But I would have thought spending so much time at work that I would have made some good friends there. Lot of people at work, you'd think I'd find a few fast and true friends just through statistics. But really I just have a lot of work acquaintances and some casual friends. I play ultimate frisbee, have for 5 years or so, several times a week. Many of the people I play with probably don't know my last name. Or maybe friends via my daughter, you know my daughters friends parents become my friends. I really thought I'd make some close friends at church. I went to two churches, each for 3 years (to be clear I'm still going to the second one). People at church share a common faith, are nice, etc. They even know my last name. But they don't really know me, and at the first church when I stopped going nobody noticed. And as much as I like the second church if I stopped going not many would notice, and those wouldn't think too much of it.
So I'll attempt to answer the second question, or rather statement, first. It would be easy to say most of my friends are climbers because I spend a lot of time climbing. Time I am sure is a prereq, one I have less of now that I have kids, but judging by my other activities that I do still spend time on time alone is not a sufficient condition in and of itself.
Cathy, one of my climbing friends, was reminiscing with me and I said it was strange we had become good friends, because outside of climbing we had nothing in common. She said it had to be because we always had such a good time, we meet up in these beautiful places and have these grand adventures. There is probably something to that. But I've gone camping and backpacking with people from my church and it's not enough to break past the acquaintances barrier into the friendship zone. I think the real thing is that rock climbers tend to drop all superficial things. They tend to not be very superficial to begin with and drop what little of that they have when they are out.
Which bring me to why I don't have many friends. You see, I used to have friends. In elementary school, both high schools, & college. I am realizing now that those friends were close because we were open, we put it all out there, didn't hide anything. We didn't make small talk or avoid subjects. But more importantly we were like that before we were friends. This distinction is important. Ignore the rest of the ramble but remember this. We became friends after we were open with eachother, not before.
So it turns out I have changed. I have become superficial. That's about to end.
Comments:
See there you go. Speaking from the heart you came up with something good.
Speaking of friends I do not think it is just you. I had friends all through school through college, and I thought it would continue, but it has not. I have friends at work, but I have never kept a work friend past the time I quit that Job. I think my only real friends are Darron, my college roommate who lives here in Austin and I play raquetball with twice a week, and Amy's husband Eric, probably mostly because our wives are such good friends. I think you just have to work harder at it as you get older, especially like you said, being open.
As far as church goes I think it is neat that you take responsibility for not being well known, and are not mad at God or the church because of it. That would be easy to do and many others have done so in the past
But I do think you are on to something. You can not go to a cult and them not know who you are or whether you are coming or going. They pay attention to that sort of thing. I have long thought that the church should be more like that.
However, I am thinking now it would be hard to change the whole church, so I basically did open source religion and forked the project and started a new group for just the reasons you described in this post.
In any case, we have never had any heart to heart talks, but nothing would please me more than for you to consider me your friend.
Speaking of friends I do not think it is just you. I had friends all through school through college, and I thought it would continue, but it has not. I have friends at work, but I have never kept a work friend past the time I quit that Job. I think my only real friends are Darron, my college roommate who lives here in Austin and I play raquetball with twice a week, and Amy's husband Eric, probably mostly because our wives are such good friends. I think you just have to work harder at it as you get older, especially like you said, being open.
As far as church goes I think it is neat that you take responsibility for not being well known, and are not mad at God or the church because of it. That would be easy to do and many others have done so in the past
But I do think you are on to something. You can not go to a cult and them not know who you are or whether you are coming or going. They pay attention to that sort of thing. I have long thought that the church should be more like that.
However, I am thinking now it would be hard to change the whole church, so I basically did open source religion and forked the project and started a new group for just the reasons you described in this post.
In any case, we have never had any heart to heart talks, but nothing would please me more than for you to consider me your friend.
I understand Joel. As a minister, it is almost impossible to make good friends except with other ministers who work at other churches and I usually can't see them very often. I've been blessed to have two good friends in ministry within 30 minutes here. Most people in the church seem to think that the minister needs to be protected from all the trash in people's lives, or maybe they are afraid of judgment. I am not one of those ministers. I would rather you be brutally honest and rough than pleasant and fake. But it seems ministers are put on a pedistal, where they are seen as super-spiritual, so others feel inferior to them, but then if any weakness shows, those same people will hold it against them because they are not what somebody thought they were supposed to be.
I miss my college friends. There is something about college that allows that openness. Maybe we are figuring out everything instead of having to act like we have everything figured out.
Many churches have become fake places where everyone shows how "spiritual" and "moral" they are, while increasing in shame from the terrible battles in their inner life that they are afraid to show anybody.
Just so you know, I still consider you a great friend, and I am here to talk whenever you need that. It is unfortunate that geography has gotten in the way.
Go deeper Joel. I have been trying to do the same in my own life. Let your heart speak, and love people for who they are in Christ without being concerned if they return it to you. I think you will find while some reject it, most will find it refreshing. But it won't be easy, but then, what is good that is easy?
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I miss my college friends. There is something about college that allows that openness. Maybe we are figuring out everything instead of having to act like we have everything figured out.
Many churches have become fake places where everyone shows how "spiritual" and "moral" they are, while increasing in shame from the terrible battles in their inner life that they are afraid to show anybody.
Just so you know, I still consider you a great friend, and I am here to talk whenever you need that. It is unfortunate that geography has gotten in the way.
Go deeper Joel. I have been trying to do the same in my own life. Let your heart speak, and love people for who they are in Christ without being concerned if they return it to you. I think you will find while some reject it, most will find it refreshing. But it won't be easy, but then, what is good that is easy?
